Young people going through the process of adolescence need what they have always needed from their parents. They want love, support, encouragement, nurture, acceptance and attention. The difference for teenagers is that, while children need their parents to be in the lead (pulling them along, directing their steps and making the important decisions), teenagers need to be side-by-side. Teenagers need "helpful attention" rather than (overly) protective attention. Although challenging at times, what they want is love, care, respect and attention with more autonomy. It's a confusing time of transition!
Adolescents need to feel comfortable with a therapist before they are ready to share their deepest feelings. I usually can develop a good rapport with most teenagers. When I first meet with a young person, I let them know that our conversations are completely confidential (with the exception of anything that might pose a physical threat to themselves or others). I share information with parents only with the agreement of the teenager. While this is difficult for some parents to understand, I have learned that it is the only way to build trust and get to the real issues that are causing difficulties. Otherwise, teenagers will only tell me what they think I, and their parents, want to hear. I once asked a young woman, "why do teenagers talk so fast?" and she replied, "Because grownups don't listen to us, they don't have time, so we have to talk fast to get heard." At this stage of their lives, teens are trying to figure things out about the world and how they fit in, struggling with the volatile emotions of a young person, a growing brain not fully formed, a lack of experience, and hormones pushing them into adulthood. Whew! It's a lot to deal with alone. Add family changes, abuse, bullying, social pressure, substance abuse, gender identity confusion, anger issues, etc. and it is more than a parent can handle. Kids need someone to talk to where they have a safe place to unload and help them understand themselves and their behavior, and learn skills for better self-control. Outside guidance can help reinforce those things parents have been saying or modeling. And often, parents also must learn how to transition, from parenting a child to adolescent to adult. Give your teenager the BEST; give them the gift of good self-esteem!